The worst thing you can say when your son cries outside the school

“Don’t cry.”

It's probably one of the first things that comes out of our mouths when we see a son clinging to our legs, crying because he doesn't want to stay in school. And it's understandable. The child cries, we suffer and our brain immediately enters emergency mode: “I have to make this stop.” Then we say “don’t cry, the mother will be back”, “you have no reason to be sad”, “you’ll see that you’ll like”, “look at the other boys, they’ll stay,” “you’re a big boy”, “you don’t have to cry.” We say it because we want to reassure. Because we want our son to be okay. Because it costs too much to see him suffer.

But there's an important difference between calming a child and trying to stop her from feeling what she's feeling.

When a child first enters school, he's not just walking into a building. He's separating for a few hours from one of his top security figures. There is a new space, new people, new rules, a different routine and, above all, an emotionally demanding experience: the mother leaves and I stay.

For an adult, this may seem simple. For a child, it's not always.

So when she clings to her mother's legs, she cries and says "I'll miss her mother," maybe she doesn't need us to explain to her that there's no reason to be sad. Maybe you need us to recognize what's going on.

“I know. You're gonna miss me. And I will miss you too.”

Only then we can add something very important: “And you can miss it and stay at school.” One of the most important emotional learnings we can offer a child is this: we can experience a difficult emotion without having to run away from it.

Emotion doesn't have to go away so we can do what we need to do. And this is very different from saying “don’t be afraid” or “don’t cry”. When we say repeatedly to a child who should not feel what he is feeling, even with the best of intentions, we can send him a message that we do not want to convey: “This emotion is too hard and we need to end it.”

But it's not.

Missing is not dangerous.

Crying is not dangerous.

Anxiety within certain levels is also not a sign that something is necessarily wrong.

These are emotional experiences that need to be recognized, regulated and crossed.

So perhaps the most important answer is not to try to convince the child that he will not miss it. Because it will. Maybe it's helping her find out that she can miss you without missing her.

“ I know you're sad. It's hard to say goodbye. You can cry. Now you're gonna go in with the teacher, I'm gonna go to work and come back after lunch. Even with longing, you can stay.”

Look at the difference.

We're not telling the child not to cry, we're not telling him there's no reason to be sad, we're not promising that everything will be wonderful, we're telling him: “I see that this is difficult and I still believe that you are capable.”

And this trust is fundamental. A child doesn't just learn from what we tell him. He also learns from the way we handle what he feels. If in the face of crying we get desperate, go back, extend our farewell, ask several times whether you really want to stay or transmit a huge insecurity, the child can interpret this reaction as a confirmation that there is something scary there.

Not because Mom's doing something wrong.

But because children look for clues in adults to understand if what they are living is safe.

That is why, often, a predictable, caring and firm farewell can help more than an endless farewell.

A hug.

“ I know you’re sad.”

“I’ll be back after lunch.”

“You stay with the teacher.”

“I love you.”

We are.

Even if she cries. And this is probably the hardest part for a mother.

Because when her daughter is holding onto her legs crying, everything inside her wants to stay. You want to protect her. You want to avoid that pain. It means “okay, you don’t have to stay today”. But growing up is also learning, gradually and with the support of adults, that we manage to do things that initially seem too difficult.

So if tomorrow your daughter clings to you and says, among tears, “Mother, I’m going to miss you”, you may not need to say “Don’t cry”.

Get down.

Look at her.

Hold her.

And it says:

"I know, my love. You'll miss me. And I'm gonna miss you, too. But we can miss each other and still stay. Mom's coming back. You're safe. And I believe in you.”

And then say goodbye.

Because sometimes the biggest proof of trust we can give a child is not to assure him it won't be difficult.

It is to show her that, even when it is difficult, she succeeds.”